2013 in Games

It turned out that women do exist.

We all tried to figure out the difference between “sexy” and “sexist”.

National Public Radio was successfully duped into jerking off to something it doesn’t even really understand.

Hideo Kojima made baffling decisions more in line with the corporate shills his fans have lambasted for years, including but not limited to 1) creating a single new female character that wears a bikini and can’t talk, 2) splitting the next Metal Gear into two games with console-specific bonuses, and 3) allying with Spike TV to make any major announcements. Meanwhile, Kiefer Sutherland looks on.

Nintendo, like a waking Sauron, amassed power through its once-thought flop, the 3DS, reviving several franchises with entries considered to be the best in their series, mostly by getting rid of all the shitty ideas and mechanics they come up with over the last decade. Yes, Virginia, you can finally level up Magikarp without using it!

Final Fantasy X|X-2 HD took slightly longer to develop than the original game. Meanwhile, The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker is ported to HD in 6 months.

Call of Duty: Ghosts was critically panned. It still makes 40 zillion dollars.

Meanwhile, AAA developers were still s-s-scared of how expensive it is to make their games:

“It is kind of a bummer that games are getting so hard and difficult to make,” [Infinity Ward executive producer Mark Rubin] added. “People want better and better graphics, they want more realistic looking art assets, and that comes at a cost and that’s a hard thing to have to deal with.”

Poor, needy AAA developers were taken hostage by fat, greedy, thuggish consumers, held at knifepoint, forced to take realistic-looking art assets out of their own children’s mouths.

Several new video game consoles came out but no one is really sure why or what they’re called or what they do

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