Onett: Bad kids and dumb adults try to ruin summer for everyone again
I said before that it’s impossible to write about Earthbound without writing about your personal experience with it. Well, I’m punching my card right now.
Ness’ hometown of Onett is tied so closely to my hometown in my head that I sometimes I think the developers took a trip to Bergen County, New Jersey for research, like how Disney animators went to Africa to research for the Lion King. Or how Sonic Team went to Mayan temples for Sonic Adventure. It could be a thing!
Ness and I both live in walking distance of the library, the police department, and town hall. The townsfolk are by turns very nice or weird jerks. And suburban cops mostly just flex their authority at you without being very helpful.
And like in any beautiful suburban town in the summer, there are delinquents with too little to do. These punks call themselves The Sharks. They’ve caused a lot of trouble around town and have holed themselves up in the local Arcade, using it as their headquarters. The police clearly have their hands full with setting up road blocks, so the Sharks are running loose.
Interestingly, the only town with a street gang in Earthbound is also the only town with a mayor. The only policy this guy seems to have is getting re-elected, so it’s up to the general public to figure out what to do with this street gang.
Some suspicious-looking kids are hanging out in the woods north of the
library. I wonder if they are members of the Sharks. To stop the spread of the
gang, someone should shut down their gathering places, don’t you think? I’ve
started a movement that will stop all of the bad influences on the children of
Onett. I call it the “Fresh Breeze Movement.” Hum de dum dum…
– the general public
The “suspicious-looking kids” are just children in a treehouse, friends of Ness. [PROTIP: one of them gives you a hat that boosts your defense.]
Adults planning policies to punish an entire age group because of a few bad apples? Yep, I remember growing up in suburban America. Itoi and gang definitely did their research.
Actually, it’s kind of awesome that, while this lady condemns the activities of these kids, she is at the same time giving their location, so you can find them and get a sweet hat. THAT’S how you write a video game!
So, anyway, it’s up to a good kid like you to beat up the bad kids. Why?
1. You need to get to Giant Step, the location of the first Melody.
2. Passing through the traveling entertainer’s shack is the only way to Giant Step.
3. The Sharks trashed the entertainer’s shack.
4. The mayor locked up the shack so no more funny business would occur.
So you have to reassure the Mayor that no more funny business will occur by taking care of the jokers that call themselves The Sharks.
I thought I’d stop the post there. But No! Let’s go the whole way.
As you approach the arcade, Sharks begin to appear, and you may end up fighting a bunch at once. The trickiest thing about the Sharks is that they’re the first enemies to call OTHER enemies to join them in battle, leaving you fighting multiple dudes at once for the first time. So put ’em down quick!
A lot of assholes who think they’re funny in here. And who’s this kid that they let in here? Are they just impressed with how good he is at pinball? Is he THAT kid??
When you finally reach the lot behind the arcade, you meet the ringleader, Fail-proof Frank Fly. Look at this guy’s style. Like the Big Bopper or some shit. He’s tough, too! You’ll basically be healing every other turn. Buy a couple of hamburgers, and keep enough PP to use Lifeup. Use your bat to smash him rather than your psychic attack powers.
But even when you beat him, he sics his attack robot on you! Wow, this guys dresses slick and makes robots. Maybe he deserves to run this town after all.
The Frankystein is funny, because it wastes turns pretty often, but when it does hit you, it hurts! Keep your HP high.
When you beat Franky, he admits that he is no longer failproof and gives you a whole spiel. Tells you about the mayor, about Giant Step, and how he’s gonna change his ways. He turns out to be a really decent guy! PROTIP: Frank will now heal you for free. FUCK the Hotel!
So let’s head to speak with Mayor Pirkle himself.
Hey hey hey! I’m Mayor B.H. Pirkle. It’s so nice to meet you.
You beat up the town bullies,
punched them out big time, kicked their butts, bit their heads off,
spit in their eyes, and made them wet their pants.
Then you forced them to promise not to make any more trouble. Thank you!
What? You want a key to the touring entertainers’ shack?
For someone as great as you, giving you the key could help keep the town
peaceful.
However, if you encounter a dangerous situation,
please don’t ask me to take any responsibility.
I’ll be able to avoid any responsibility, right?
>Yes
>NoIf “No”:
I’m a very important man in these parts. Do you think I’m important?
>Yes
>NoIf “No”:
Look, I’m the big cheese around here,
and a brat like you should realize when someone is trying to be nice.If “Yes” to either:
You’re such a smart kid… Here’s the key to the shack.
Yeah, no, asshole, even if I weren’t a silent protagonist. And I HATE when Pirkle says, “a brat like you should realize when someone is trying to be nice.” That’s exactly the kind of double-faced shit an adult would say.
This is a HUGE deviation from traditional RPG scenarios. In a game like Dragon Quest, the king might ask you to deal with the local villain, and when you do the king says thank you, and give you a boat or some such.
In the end, the street gang leader Frank Fly is more genuine and charitable than Mayor Pirkle. Frank learns something and changes. The Mayor learns nothing and stays the same.
And, honestly, what can he learn from behind that desk shielded by Yes-men? As always, the one true place to educate yourself is in the School of Hard Knocks, Class 101: THE STREETS.
Maybe if you beat the Mayor up he’d change his tune.